The Struggle

You know what? I really tried. I tried so hard I almost drowned myself in self-pity and despair. But I can't go on any further, knowing what I know now. Feeling what I feel now.

I saw her a couple of days ago. It was horrible for me, because I knew I couldn't approach her let alone say how sorry I am. But that wasn't the horrible bit. It hurt so much because I know she would have had a lot more fun there if I wasn't around.

At one point she even had to approach me because of the nature of the situation. It was hard keeping a straight face. I had tears in the back, just waiting... But again, it wasn't so much, that I hurt when I saw her, but more the other way around.

Don't get me wrong. I have no illusions that she harbors any feelings for me other then hatred and disgust. But still... Seeing her, how she had to come to me, when I know it must have been torture for her.

I'm really sorry Cindy... I should have never acted on my instincts. And I should have never ever have told the truth to Jane.

I really am terribly sorry. But unfortunately I will never be able to tell you this. So there you are blogosphere, my personal secrets I tell to thee. Who am I you can not see...

darkman