I did it

A couple of months ago actually. Not more then a week after I wrote my previous post.

She forgave me. Actually, she never really hated me for it.

It was quite a burden that rolled off my shoulders. She doesn't hate me? Wow.

But that only makes her that much better then me. And I love her for it.

What am I saying? I hardly even know her. Well I thought I knew her before, but now, after not speaking for almost a year? She's bound to be a different person. With a totally different perspective and sure as hell a fresh set of eyes for my mischievous behavior.

And yet, I'll never forget her. Never forget the first day I met her. She was so young. But yet, there was something so old and wise about her.

I respected her instantly. She was just so different.

So, what do I do now? Do I leave Jane behind? Can I really do that to her?

Just the thought of hurting Jane one more time breaks my heart. I don't  want to do that to her. But, on the other hand, we've been growing apart for a while now. And, then there is the fact that I could never have a normal family with Jane. Not with her family history. I want my child to have a good, solid family. Can she really do that, after the  raising up she had?

And then there's Cindy. She a tough one. Can I even handle that? Two drama queens in one relationship?

And even more so, I'm actually imagining the relationship part. She never mentioned anything...

Don't do it!

I keep repeating it over and over in my head. It's been going on for, oh I don't know, half a year now?

Each time I get the urge to contact her, I start telling myself the same old mantra.

Don't do it, darkman! She does not want to hear from you. She does not care about you! You mean nothing to her anymore. And it's very selfish of you to even want to do it. Like she hasn't hurt enough, you want to put her through it all again. And why? So you could feel better about yourself for a couple of seconds?

And what would you tell her? That you're sorry? That you didn't mean it? So? She really doesn't need to hear it. Nothing good can come out of it.

And let me remind you that the whole reason you're in this mess is because of your arrogant, self-centered nature. Woudn't this also be an act of selfishness? A desire to please your own egotistical cravings?
Do not text her! Do not call her! Do not e-mail her! Do nothing!

And so, that's exactly what I'm doing. Nothing. For the past 6 months...

But I can't help but getting the same feeling every couple of days. Gnawing at me one more time. Waiting for my mantra yet again. Hoping yet one more time that this one is the last, but knowing full well it can't be. Because there is one simple question I will never be able to answer.

What if she waits for me to tell her? What if she waits for me to be the way she knows I am by nature. What if by remaining silent I'm disappointing her? But then I realize she would never think like that... or would she?

All this thinking and reasoning is making me lose my mind. I just hope I can keep it all bottled up. Hope this blog will help. Because I sure don't want to put Cindy through any more. And neither do I want to hurt Jane.

Can I truly love both? Or am I just imagining it?

The Struggle

You know what? I really tried. I tried so hard I almost drowned myself in self-pity and despair. But I can't go on any further, knowing what I know now. Feeling what I feel now.

I saw her a couple of days ago. It was horrible for me, because I knew I couldn't approach her let alone say how sorry I am. But that wasn't the horrible bit. It hurt so much because I know she would have had a lot more fun there if I wasn't around.

At one point she even had to approach me because of the nature of the situation. It was hard keeping a straight face. I had tears in the back, just waiting... But again, it wasn't so much, that I hurt when I saw her, but more the other way around.

Don't get me wrong. I have no illusions that she harbors any feelings for me other then hatred and disgust. But still... Seeing her, how she had to come to me, when I know it must have been torture for her.

I'm really sorry Cindy... I should have never acted on my instincts. And I should have never ever have told the truth to Jane.

I really am terribly sorry. But unfortunately I will never be able to tell you this. So there you are blogosphere, my personal secrets I tell to thee. Who am I you can not see...

darkman